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The Mad Emailer

2009 April 1
by Curmudgeon

Only a wild guess here but I’ll bet almost everyone knows at least one person such as I’m about to describe. Let me just refer to her as the “Mad emailer”. She is one that will go weeks or sometimes even months without checking her email. Eventually you give up sending her anything because you are only going to get the infamous “email box is full” type message. Then one day you get 150 messages at once from the “Mad emailer”. Everything that was sitting in her email account is forwarded to everyone in her address book. Now when I say everything, I mean everything including rude, lewd, lascivious and explicit. And when I say forwarded to everyone, that may include youth that perhaps shouldn’t be getting that kind of stuff from grandma.

Some time back I’d received what felt like ten thousand of those supposedly heart warming messages with the request to send it to at least ten people and by doing so good things would happen to me. If I didn’t, bad things would befall me. This particular one went so far as to claim someone had not sent it to their friends and died shortly after deleting the email.

This being a very new blog, I guess it only fair to explain I consider myself a bit of a curmudgeon. As such I feel an obligation to be consistent and therefore display my curmudgeonly side as the mood strikes. Well that particular email squarely struck the curmudgeon in me. So in my best curmudgeonly manner I set about writing a reply. I have to paraphrase but it went pretty much like this:

“Dear What’s Your Name,

Just as a matter of information for you to consider before sending me any further emails of this nature is that they first do not inspire me, give me a warm and fuzzy feeling, make me want to forward the message to anyone else or for that matter want to send it to anyone in the hope the claim of good luck befalling me might be true. Second, as you already know I ain’t gonna do that. The thing that concerns me about this particular email is the implication that by not forwarding it I could be subject to death. Since you have known for quite some time I never forward these things I can only conclude you are hoping it is true and I will shortly be dead.

Bet you’ll feel real good about yourself knowing it is you responsible for my demise.

All my love”

Those types of emails decreased hugely after that.

Janice (definitely my best half) just got a whole stack of stuff from the “Mad emailer” yesterday. She said every one of the myriad of forwards were old, old, old, not to mention a lot of them was stuff she’d originally sent to the “Mad emailer” and was now coming back. Then she mentioned the “lizard birthing” story (pretty funny, bet a google search would work if you haven’t seen it) and I’ll guess it’s at least a year old. That’s when I told Janice it’s time to set up a gmail account and tell the “Mad emailer” it’s the new email address and to send everything there from now on. That way there will be no need to sort through, she can just delete it all.

As for me, I haven’t gotten anything from her in a long while, ever since we switched internet service. I guess eventually she’ll find out the new addresses but until then it’s being bliss.